Mike Browning

Tag: Chris Voss

  • Say It Before They Do

    Say It Before They Do

    Turns out the fastest way to defuse an accusation is to make it yourself.

    One of my repeat clients told me something I really appreciated not long ago. They are capable of performing on large transactions both as a buyer and seller, so naturally they have lots of brokers showing them anything and everything.

    Some of it makes sense and a lot of it doesn’t. But as you can expect, most of it gets presented to them with all the good parts highlighted and the not-so-good downplayed. If mentioned at all.

    So what did he say? Basically that he knows I want to sell deals, that’s how I make money after all. But he really likes that I get to the so-called “hair” on a deal pretty quick, if not right from the jump.

    To me, it’s the only sensible way to operate. But if you’ve dealt with real estate folks very long, you know it doesn’t always work that way.

    For my part, it’s just smart business. If you intend to be around a long time, you need people to trust what you tell them. And the best way to keep a client wanting to buy land deals is to make sure they do well on the ones they’re buying today.

    Besides, these are sophisticated guys. If I know about something affecting a deal, they’re going to find it sooner or later anyway.

    Chris Voss has a name for this in Never Split The Difference. He calls it an accusation audit. The best way to deal with baggage where your counterpart might have an issue with what you’ve said or done is to be the one who brings it up first. Usually right at the start.

    It sounds like handing the other person ammunition. It’s usually the opposite. Once you’ve said the uncomfortable thing yourself, they don’t have to wonder whether you see it too. You’ve put it on the table where both of you can deal with it. And often, hearing their own worst thought said back to them plainly takes some of the force out of it.

    Or maybe you are right, and they are carrying a grudge and they aren’t going to do business with you no matter what. At least you found it out up front, and saved time and effort for both of you.

    There’s a difference between defending yourself against an accusation and never letting it land in the first place.

    It only works if you’re honest about what the accusations actually are. Sugarcoating them defeats the whole point, and people can tell when you’re doing it. You have to say the version that actually stings a little.

    I’ve been flogging this book for about a month now, so I’ll give it a rest after today. But given that negotiation touches just about every part of your life, can it be a bad idea to get better at it?

    Buy Never Split The Difference Here

    PS- That link goes through Amazon, and I’m an affiliate. Doesn’t cost you a dime more, but if you click through and buy the book, or anything else while you’re there, I get a small commission.

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  • Take The Win

    Take The Win

    You don’t also have to announce it.

    Celina’s city council recently approved some incentives to land a second Walmart. I won’t break it down here, but it could be pretty substantial. And probably a smart move, I’d say. Sales tax is one of the few revenue levers a city actually controls, and a big box store just inside your line pulls shoppers in from both sides while the tax dollars only land on yours. So far, so good.

    Then the mayor opened his mouth.

    Ryan Tubbs told the room they were going to build the best Walmart they could “so every resident of Pilot Point comes and visits Celina and shops at Walmart… so that we cause sales tax leakage for our lovely neighbors.”

    He’s not wrong, that’s exactly what’s going to happen. Pilot Point residents will drive to the closer store, and Celina banks the tax revenue while Pilot Point’s roads absorb the traffic that got them there.

    But saying it out loud like that is a low status move. It’s also not smart business.

    There’s about a 100% chance Tubbs sits across a table from somebody in Pilot Point again before too long. A road project, a shared utility line, some regional thing nobody can avoid. And now he’s the guy who stood up and gloated about it on the record. Doesn’t matter that he was right. That’s not a great position to negotiate from the next time he needs something from them.

    Win the deal. Then keep your mouth shut about it. Be gracious.

    If you’re a land investor you know this.

    You make your money when you buy, not when you sell. Old idea, still true every time.

    When somebody’s willing to sell below market today, there’s almost always a reason behind it. A health scare, a divorce, a job that’s moving them, an estate nobody in the family wants to deal with, a note coming due next month.

    You didn’t create the situation. You just showed up with a solution when they needed one, and the price reflected the circumstances.

    The deal closes. You’re very happy with the deal. That doesn’t mean you explain to the seller how much you saved, or mention it to their neighbor, or bring it up again down the road when the tract’s worth double.

    You say thank you and you mean it.

    And that you hope your paths cross again, because in this business they usually do, and you want to still be the guy they’d sell to next time.

    Gloating doesn’t get you anything the win didn’t already get you. It just costs you the next deal, or the next referral, or the next seller who was on the fence and heard how you talk about the last one.

    Most of the good deals I’ve gotten over the years came from somebody who trusted me enough to call again.

    People have long memories when you make them feel like the loser.

    PS- If you’d rather hear about a deal before it goes anywhere else, I keep a short list for that. Nothing fancy about it. When something worth a second look clears my screen, the people on the list hear first. No spam, no newsletter, nothing on a schedule.

    [Add me to the list.]

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  • How Am I Supposed to Do That?

    How Am I Supposed to Do That?

    Turns out it’s not a rhetorical question.

    Some people think a good comeback is the whole game.

    When someone makes an unrealistic proposal or a demand that doesn’t work the first thing most people want to do is explain why. Lay out the reasons. Walk through the math. Win the point.

    But winning the point doesn’t do much for you in a negotiation. The other side just digs in, maybe comes up with a competing set of facts and reasons. Worse, they’re no longer thinking about making a deal, they are thinking about not losing. Which isn’t good if you want to make a deal.

    Chris Voss has a fix for this that sounds almost too simple to work.

    Instead of arguing, you ask how you’re supposed to make it happen. Not sarcastic. Not a setup. An actual question. “How am I supposed to take that to the seller when there are two other offers on the table?” Now he’s not defending his number anymore. He’s trying to solve your problem, which used to be his demand.

    Voss calls these calibrated questions. Open-ended, no yes or no available, and they hand your problem to the other person instead of making it a fight. Most people can’t resist answering a question that starts with “how.” Refusing to answer feels rude in a way that refusing to agree never does.

    I had a buyer a while back convinced he could get a large reduction, much more than what was realistic. I could’ve argued comps at him all day and gotten nowhere, because in his head the comps were the ones that made his number look right. So instead I asked him how I was supposed to bring that number to a seller who had competing offers. Then I asked how many people were going to want to work with us in the future if we got a reputation for chiseling and retrading every deal.

    He thought about it, came up with a more realistic number, and we got the deal done.

    Works the other way too. A seller with a too-high price in mind doesn’t need me to lecture him on it. He needs to hear himself try to answer how a buyer’s supposed to make the math work at that price. He’ll usually get there faster than I would’ve gotten him there.

    Statements draw a line and dare the other guy to cross it. Anybody can say no to a line. It’s a lot harder to say no to a question you have to actually sit and answer first.

    I still slip and argue the number sometimes. Old habit. But the times I remember to just ask, it goes better, and I don’t have to be right in the room to get the outcome I wanted.

    This is the third one I’ve pulled from Never Split the Difference, and I’m running out of ways to say the same thing. Buy the book. You’ll use this stuff in a lot more places than a purchase agreement.

    Get it Here

    PS- That link goes through Amazon, and I’m an affiliate. Doesn’t cost you a dime more, but if you click through and buy the book, or anything else while you’re there, I get a small commission.

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  • “You’re Right”

    “You’re Right”

    I don’t mean it.

    I’ve said it plenty of times and almost never meant it.

    Usually I’m on the wrong side of a desk somewhere. Buying a vehicle and sitting through the extended warranty pitch. Standing in a furniture store while somebody walks me through the protection plan…the one that covers everything except whatever eventually happens to it.

    I’ve already decided. I’m not doing it. Decided a while back, quietly, and now I’m just looking for a clean way out of the conversation.

    And the man keeps going. He’s got reasons. Some of them are decent reasons.

    So I tell him he’s right.

    Not because he moved me. Because I want it to be over.

    Then I read Never Split the Difference and found out that’s a known thing, and that it has a matching pair.

    Chris Voss says “you’re right” is the one you don’t want. When somebody hands you that, you’ve lost them. They’ve stopped arguing, they’d like you to stop talking, and nothing has changed except they’re now looking for the door.

    What you want to hear is “that’s right.”

    One word different. Opposite meanings. “That’s right” comes out of somebody when you’ve just described their own situation back to them better than they’d have put it themselves. It isn’t agreement with your argument. It’s recognition. And you only get there by shutting up long enough to have actually listened.

    Once you know the difference you start hearing it everywhere. My wife. My kids. Anybody who’s ever wrapped up a conversation with me a little earlier than I expected.

    The catch is you have to give up being the smartest man in the room to get there. You don’t get to lead with what you know, which is generally the whole reason you opened your mouth. Most people can’t stand that. Which is exactly why it keeps working for the ones who can.

    I still tell the warranty guy he’s right. Some things you don’t fix.

    But I quit taking it as a compliment when somebody says it to me.

    Never Split the Difference is full of these. Small distinctions that sound like nothing until you catch one happening to you in real time.

    Get it Here

    PS- That link goes through Amazon, and I’m an affiliate. Doesn’t cost you a dime more, but if you click through and buy the book, or anything else while you’re there, I get a small commission.

  • Nobody Ever Wins an Argument

    Nobody Ever Wins an Argument

    (They just get tired of having it.)

    A few years ago I decided to quit discussing politics and current events with other people. For the most part. I still fall into it from time to time, but usually just end up realizing I wasted my time.

    Not because I ran out of things to say. I just noticed something.

    It doesn’t matter how good my facts are, how airtight the logic, or how many times I’ve clearly won the exchange in my own head on the drive home. The other person never once said, “Huh, good point. I’ve changed my mind.”

    They found a different fact. Or decided mine didn’t count. Or got quiet and waited for their turn to talk again.

    It happens with sports too, although the stakes are usually lower. Somebody’s convinced the game is rigged against their team, their quarterback is elite (or he sucks), or the coach should’ve been fired two years ago.

    You can show them the stats. Use logic. Doesn’t matter. They’ve already got their own stats, and if they don’t, they’ll find some. Or make them up.

    I used to think this meant people were just bad at arguing, or too stubborn to admit when they were wrong.

    Then I read Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss.

    Voss spent years as an FBI hostage negotiator, and one of the things he learned was that moving a conversation forward often had less to do with presenting the better argument than making the other person feel understood.

    He’d say things like, “It sounds like you’re feeling backed into a corner,” and then wait. He wasn’t agreeing with them. He wasn’t trying to solve anything yet. He was naming what he thought the other person was feeling and giving them a chance to correct him if he had it wrong.

    And being wrong wasn’t necessarily a problem. When someone corrected him, they were explaining themselves. Now they weren’t defending themselves against his argument. They were helping him understand their position.

    There’s a difference between winning a conversation and actually moving one forward.

    Most every argument I’ve ever “won” ended with the other person more locked in, not less. But when I name what I think someone is thinking or feeling, without immediately trying to fix or correct it, the conversation usually goes somewhere.

    That’s a strange thing to learn from a guy who negotiated with people holding hostages. Stranger still is how often it applies to conversations that have nothing to do with a crisis at all.

    After Jim Camp’s Start With No, Never Split the Difference has probably helped me more with negotiation than any other book. They aren’t the same system, but they’re similar enough that a lot of Voss’s ideas fit naturally with Camp’s.

    Like I’ve said several times, basically everything involves negotiation. So if you get better at it, you improve your life across the board.

    If you’ve read Start With No, I’d recommend Never Split the Difference next.

    Is it crazy to think it’s worth improving a skill that touches almost every area of your life?

    Get It Here

    As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. If you click the link above and buy anything on Amazon, not just this book, I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you.

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  • The Gap Between Stories

    The Gap Between Stories

    You’re almost never 100% right. Or wrong.

    Most people in a conflict become very, very good at one thing.

    Their version.

    I’ve watched it happen enough times to recognize the pattern early. Someone gets into a dispute, and immediately everyone assembles their case. The evidence. The timeline. Getting to others first, so they can get you on their side. They can tell you exactly what happened and exactly why the other person is wrong, and they’ve told it so many times it has the smooth, rehearsed quality of something that stopped being examined a while ago.

    What they usually can’t do is explain the other side.

    Not a real version of it anyway. Not the version the other person might actually recognize. They can do a kind of highlight-reel caricature where the other person comes off as selfish or unreasonable or oblivious, but that’s not the same thing. That’s just their own story with a different character labeled.

    Chris Voss has a line I keep coming back to. There are three sides to every story: my side, your side, and the truth. Most people spend their whole lives defending the first one.

    People forget to consider what that costs.

    It costs resolution, obviously. But it also costs information. If you can’t articulate the other person’s position in a way they’d agree with, you’re not negotiating with them. You’re negotiating with your idea of them, which is almost always a worse version than the actual person. Easier to dismiss. Easier to be right about.

    I’ve seen this play out many times where both sides are so committed to their read on what’s fair that they let something genuinely good fall apart. One side thinks the other is greedy. The other finds the offer insulting. Neither one has sat with the question of what the other person actually needs and why. The gap between the two stories is where the deal lives, but a lot of times nobody goes there.

    It shows up everywhere. Families. Business partnerships. Long friendships that quietly go cold.

    The test Voss suggests is a good one. Can you make the other person’s case as well as they could? Not a version that secretly makes you look reasonable by comparison. The real one, with their actual concerns and their actual logic and the parts of their position that, if you’re honest, have some merit.

    Most people can’t do it. Which means most people are still negotiating with their own story instead of with the situation in front of them.

    That’s not a moral failing. It’s just expensive.

    PS- Most landowners aren’t planning to sell today.

    But when the time comes, the people who already have a clear read on the market tend to make better decisions. That’s what the MBR Land Reality Check is for. It looks at nearby sales, current listings, development pressure, and the details affecting value that aren’t obvious from the road.

    Is it a bad idea to know where things stand?

    Get Yours Here

    PPS -If you’re not ready for a Reality Check but enjoy reading about land, markets, and negotiation, you can sign up below and get these posts in your inbox.

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  • When Someone Says Win/Win, Prepare to Lose

    When Someone Says Win/Win, Prepare to Lose

    The only people who love “win-win” are the ones winning twice.

    I got an email today pitching a continuing-education class for real estate agents.

    The hook?

    “Seasoned pro Candy Cooke will offer real-estate-specific tips on how to close deals that are win-win for all parties.”

    Every time I see “win-win,” I know exactly what’s coming next:

    Someone wants you to compromise before there’s any reason to.

    Now, I’m not against working together. Not even close.

    Good negotiators use empathy constantly — not to melt into the other side, but to understand what they actually want.

    Sometimes there is a way to structure a deal where both sides walk away happier than they expected.

    But that’s not usually what “win-win” means when it shows up in real estate training.

    What it usually means is: “Let’s teach agents how to get their own clients to settle faster so the agent can get paid sooner.”

    Dress it up however you want, that’s the game.

    Because here’s the truth nobody in CE classes ever says out loud:

    Most “win-win” apostles aren’t preparing you to negotiate. They’re preparing you to fold. And worse, they’re preparing your clients to fold.

    A true negotiation is cooperative — but it isn’t compliant.

    Those are two very different things.

    The consumer thinks “win-win” means the agent is going to fight for them while still being reasonable.

    What it often means is the agent is going to protect the relationship with the other agent, move the deal along, and get to the closing table with as little friction as possible.

    Even if that means nudging their own client into giving up more than they should.

    That’s not working for someone. That’s working them.

    The sad thing is, most agents don’t even realize they’ve been taught to do this. The scripts and the slogans sound virtuous — “we’re looking for mutual benefit,” “we want everyone to win,” “we don’t want to create tension,” and so on.

    And the public hears those lines and thinks, “Well, that sounds nice.”

    Of course it sounds nice. That’s why it works.

    Meanwhile, in the real world, negotiation experts like Jim Camp and Chris Voss teach systems built on something entirely different: clarity, permission to say no, understanding what matters, and deliberately de-escalating pressure instead of giving in to it.

    Those systems work.

    They get better deals.

    And they do it without games, without manipulation, and without needing your client to be the “reasonable” one every time.

    I use those systems because they’re collaborative in the only way that matters: they produce honest results.

    They help my clients get what they actually want, without tricking the other side and without tricking my own people into thinking they have to settle early.

    And the best part? I don’t hide it.

    I tell everyone to read the books — agents, clients, anyone. Everything in life is a negotiation. The better you get at it, the better everything goes.

    Real collaboration isn’t phony “win-win.”

    It’s two sides telling the truth, knowing their purpose, and working toward an agreement that actually makes sense.

    That’s the game I’m playing. And I’m playing it on behalf of the people who hire me.

    If the other side happens to play it too? It almost always ends up better for everyone.

    Get More Like this in your inbox here!

    You can buy the books off my recommended reading page here:

    Buy Them Here

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  • Hate To Have Missed This

    Hate To Have Missed This

    It’s not every day you get a chance to hear from an all-time great

    If you’re in any kind of service business, I’m sure you get a lot of the same kinds of emails I do — free webinars that turn out to be thinly disguised sales pitches for something you probably don’t need.

    But every now and then, one might actually be worth the time. I had the chance to watch one of those today. Unfortunately, I missed the invite and the show was over by the time I got back from lunch.

    The webinar was hosted by Chris Voss, author of Never Split the Difference — one of the best negotiation books out there. If you can master even a few of his concepts, it’s like playing a completely different game than everyone else. In a good way.

    And since basically everything in life involves negotiation, I’d say it’s worth learning.

    You can buy it here on Amazon.

    In the book, Voss talks a lot about empathy — a word that’s commonly misunderstood. Most people confuse it with sympathy.

    That’s not what it is.

    According to Voss, empathy is the understanding of another person’s world — without judging, and without necessarily agreeing.

    You know you’ve hit that point when you can explain their position back to them and they say, “That’s right.”

    (Not “you’re right,” but “that’s right.”)

    That’s when the light turns green for real progress. Until then, a negotiation is just two people talking past each other and trying to convince one another.

    So if I already know all this, why am I so annoyed about missing the webinar?

    Because the guest was Daryl Davis.

    He’s a blues musician, author, and actor — but also one of the greatest negotiators alive, even if not in a business sense.

    There’s a documentary about him called Accidental Courtesy: Daryl Davis, Race & America. You can find it on YouTube (at least you could this morning). I highly recommend it.

    The movie tells how Davis — a black man — has personally convinced hundreds of Ku Klux Klan members to leave the organization. Many of them even gave him their robes when they quit.

    He’s got a closet full of them.

    Davis accomplished all this using empathy. Not agreement, not argument — understanding.

    If empathy can do that, I think it’s fair to say it might help you in whatever it is you’re doing — business, family, or real estate.

    So yeah, I’m sorry I missed it. I’m sure I would’ve learned something new, and it would’ve been an honor to ask him a question. Maybe I’ll get another chance.

    Until then, I’ll reread Voss’s book (again). I get something different out of it every time.

    Would it be a terrible idea to improve your negotiating skills — and your life?

    Buy the book here.

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