Mike Browning

Tag: Start With No

  • Nobody Ever Wins an Argument

    Nobody Ever Wins an Argument

    (They just get tired of having it.)

    A few years ago I decided to quit discussing politics and current events with other people. For the most part. I still fall into it from time to time, but usually just end up realizing I wasted my time.

    Not because I ran out of things to say. I just noticed something.

    It doesn’t matter how good my facts are, how airtight the logic, or how many times I’ve clearly won the exchange in my own head on the drive home. The other person never once said, “Huh, good point. I’ve changed my mind.”

    They found a different fact. Or decided mine didn’t count. Or got quiet and waited for their turn to talk again.

    It happens with sports too, although the stakes are usually lower. Somebody’s convinced the game is rigged against their team, their quarterback is elite (or he sucks), or the coach should’ve been fired two years ago.

    You can show them the stats. Use logic. Doesn’t matter. They’ve already got their own stats, and if they don’t, they’ll find some. Or make them up.

    I used to think this meant people were just bad at arguing, or too stubborn to admit when they were wrong.

    Then I read Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss.

    Voss spent years as an FBI hostage negotiator, and one of the things he learned was that moving a conversation forward often had less to do with presenting the better argument than making the other person feel understood.

    He’d say things like, “It sounds like you’re feeling backed into a corner,” and then wait. He wasn’t agreeing with them. He wasn’t trying to solve anything yet. He was naming what he thought the other person was feeling and giving them a chance to correct him if he had it wrong.

    And being wrong wasn’t necessarily a problem. When someone corrected him, they were explaining themselves. Now they weren’t defending themselves against his argument. They were helping him understand their position.

    There’s a difference between winning a conversation and actually moving one forward.

    Most every argument I’ve ever “won” ended with the other person more locked in, not less. But when I name what I think someone is thinking or feeling, without immediately trying to fix or correct it, the conversation usually goes somewhere.

    That’s a strange thing to learn from a guy who negotiated with people holding hostages. Stranger still is how often it applies to conversations that have nothing to do with a crisis at all.

    After Jim Camp’s Start With No, Never Split the Difference has probably helped me more with negotiation than any other book. They aren’t the same system, but they’re similar enough that a lot of Voss’s ideas fit naturally with Camp’s.

    Like I’ve said several times, basically everything involves negotiation. So if you get better at it, you improve your life across the board.

    If you’ve read Start With No, I’d recommend Never Split the Difference next.

    Is it crazy to think it’s worth improving a skill that touches almost every area of your life?

    Get It Here

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  • Shouldn’t This Be Kept Secret?

    Shouldn’t This Be Kept Secret?

    The answer may surprise you.

    I’ve been writing the last few weeks about Jim Camp’s negotiation masterpiece, Start With No. Along with occasionally trying to talk you into buying a copy and reading it yourself.

    Thanks to those who bought through my link. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed. If anything, you’ll probably be surprised how quickly you start seeing opportunities to apply the basics.

    One question comes up pretty often when people hear about systems like this.

    If it’s really that effective, why would you tell anyone about it?

    Wouldn’t you be better off keeping it to yourself?

    It’s a fair question.

    Camp actually addresses it in the book. He said he wished more of his counterparts used the same system he did. Negotiations would be smoother, less emotional, and far more productive.

    Instead of spending days playing games, the cards would get on the table faster. You’d either make the right deal sooner or discover there was never a deal to be made in the first place.

    Both outcomes are wins.

    Obviously getting an agreement is great. But finding out in a day that there’s no deal instead of spending a week chasing one isn’t exactly a loss. It frees both sides to move on to something more productive.

    The difference comes down to principles versus tactics.

    If a finance manager at a car dealership has figured out a handful of tricks that pressure people into buying an overpriced warranty, he doesn’t want those tricks publicized. Once the person across the table understands the game, the game stops working.

    Tactics depend on the other side not knowing what’s happening.

    Principles don’t.

    If you’re asking honest questions, trying to understand what’s really going on, and looking for a deal that makes sense for everyone involved, it doesn’t hurt when the other side understands what you’re doing. In some cases it actually helps.

    Beyond that, I don’t spend much time worrying about other people learning what I know.

    Most people won’t put it into practice anyway.

    And the few who do often become easier to work with, not harder.

    One of the things I like most about Camp’s approach is that it removes much of the tension people normally associate with negotiation. Less pressure. Less posturing. Less pretending.

    Just figuring out whether there’s a deal to be had and, if so, what it looks like.

    Once you learn it, it really does feel like you’re playing a different game than before.

    In a good way.

    And since almost every situation you encounter involves negotiation, getting better at it is one of the highest-leverage investments you can make in yourself.

    It won’t happen overnight.

    But you’ll probably see results faster than you expect.

    Get It Here

    P.S. That link goes through Amazon and I’m an affiliate. It doesn’t cost you anything extra, but if you buy the book—or anything else while you’re there—I get a small commission.

  • My Wife Thought It Was Magic

    My Wife Thought It Was Magic

    And maybe it sort of was.

    Most people think negotiation is something that happens in land deals. Maybe car deals too.

    It’s not.

    Trying to get your kid to clean their room is negotiation. Deciding where to eat is negotiation. Getting time off work for an appointment is negotiation. Most of life is negotiation whether we realize it or not.

    Improving your negotiation skills is probably the most high leverage way to improve your life overall. It touches everything.

    Most people picture a great negotiator as the guy at the dealership. Pushy. A little slick. Leaning on pressure and urgency because that’s the only lever he knows how to pull.

    Sometimes that works.

    But ask yourself how you feel after most car-buying experiences. Even if you like the car, you’re often thinking, I’m never buying from that guy again.

    That’s the problem with pressure tactics. Even when they work, they burn bridges. You win the deal in front of you and lose the next ten.

    Jim Camp’s system from Start With No is different, though I wouldn’t call it the opposite of that. It’s not weak, and it’s not caving in to get to yes faster. Weak gets eaten alive by anyone with real leverage. What it does is take a lot of the tension out of the room without giving up your position. Deals close easier. People stay friendly afterward.

    Sometimes it works so well it’s almost unsettling.

    A while back my wife bought something online from a company that was very clear about its policy. No refunds. No exceptions.

    Naturally, the item broke almost immediately.

    She emailed them and got exactly the response you’d expect. They pointed to the policy and politely told her no.

    She was frustrated.

    I looked at the exchange, wrote a short response, and told her to send it. Maybe four sentences.

    She read it and said there was no way it would work, but she sent it anyway, and the refund was approved almost immediately.

    What amused me wasn’t the refund. It was what happened afterward.

    She looked at me suspiciously and asked:

    “Have you been using this on me?”

    I assured her I only use my powers for good.

    One of the reasons I like Jim Camp’s work is that his system doesn’t rely on pressure, clever arguments, or trying to talk circles around people. In fact, a lot of the time it involves talking less, not more.

    That’s harder than it sounds.

    If you’ve never read Start With No, it’s worth your time.

    Get it here

    P.S. The link goes through Amazon and I’m an affiliate. It doesn’t cost you anything extra, but if you buy the book (or anything else while you’re there), I get a small commission.

  • Being Impressive Can Be Overrated

    Being Impressive Can Be Overrated

    Trying to make the other guy see how great you are isn’t always the best strategy.

    I told this story on here a while back, but a lot of you weren’t reading yet, and I think it’s worth revisiting.

    Not long after the 2008 mortgage crisis, there were vacant lots everywhere and only a handful of buyers. I represented one of the few builders looking to acquire. We sat down with an investment group that was holding lots, to see if there was a fit.

    Realistically, a deal probably wasn’t happening regardless. The timing was wrong, the housing type probably wasn’t a fit, and pricing for builders and sellers was miles apart.

    But this meeting was doomed before anyone opened their mouth.

    The guy leading the investors was sharp. Sharp enough that he couldn’t stand to let it go unnoticed.

    Our builder’s CEO was the same. Two smart guys, both determined to be the one everybody left the room thinking about.

    They weren’t negotiating so much as performing. The rest of us just sat there and watched until the end, then went on our way.

    Not long after, my guy handed acquisitions to someone quieter and went back to running the company. Fifteen years on, that company is publicly traded, one of the biggest homebuilders in the country.

    The other guy didn’t fare quite as well. Overconfidence turned into overleverage, and overleverage turned into prison.

    He’s out now. I won’t be knocking down his door looking to do business again, although you never say never. As a broker you don’t always get to choose.

    Jim Camp writes about “okayness” in Start With No. In any interaction, only one person gets to feel completely okay. Your job is making sure it’s the other guy.

    (You can buy Start With No here)

    If my client had just let the other man have his moment, instead of matching him move for move, it may have been different. Not that day, probably. The numbers were too far apart for that. But there’s a real chance we’re doing business with those investors again down the road, instead of never speaking to them again.

    If you remember the old TV show Columbo, he solved every case for the same reason. He walked in looking rumpled and half a step behind, and the guilty party relaxed just enough to talk too much.

    That’s the whole move. You don’t have to be less capable. You just have to stop trying to prove it so much.

    I’ve watched it play out both ways enough times to trust it. The guy who needs the room to know he’s the smartest one in it almost always ends up negotiating against himself. The one who can let that go usually walks out with the better deal, and sometimes a second chance at one he didn’t get the first time.

    Buy the book, and learn the system. It’s not hard and doesn’t require you to become some sort of master communicator or smooth talker (thank God).

    Get It Here

    PS- That link goes through Amazon, and I’m an affiliate. Doesn’t cost you a dime more, but if you click through and buy the book, or anything else while you’re there, I get a small commission.

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  • The Danger of Needing It

    The Danger of Needing It

    The second you need the deal, you’ve already given up the good version of it.

    One of the best books on negotiation is Start With No by Jim Camp. Probably the single most important idea in it: neediness is the first thing you have to get control of. Until you do, you’re at the mercy of whoever you’re sitting across from.

    Doesn’t matter if it’s a car, a house, a piece of land, or where you’re going for dinner Friday. Same rule.

    Go shopping for a car and it’s about a sure thing that once you show real interest, the salesman mentions someone else. They’re coming to look at it this afternoon. Or they were in yesterday, said they’d probably be back. Whatever the line is, the point is the same. Make you feel like if you don’t move now, you’re going to lose it.

    And it works. Not because you’re gullible. Because it’s aimed at something real. The second you stop thinking “I like this” and start thinking “I need this,” you’ve handed over the leverage.

    You don’t even notice it happening. You just start agreeing to things you wouldn’t have agreed to an hour earlier.

    Here’s what your brain skates right past. On the way to that lot, you passed a few thousand other cars. Other lots. Other listings. These things are mass produced. If this one gets away from you, there’s another one out there, probably better, and you’ll never think about this one again.

    You need food. You need shelter. Around here you probably need a vehicle of some kind. But you don’t need this particular car. You don’t need this particular house.

    Land’s a little different. No two pieces are exactly alike, so in a technical sense a specific tract really is one of one. But different doesn’t mean irreplaceable. Miss it, and the sun still comes up tomorrow. You still eat dinner. You’ll find something else that checks the boxes, maybe something you like better, and you won’t spend one more minute thinking about the one that got away.

    Wanting something is fine. Wanting it enough to stretch a little, work for it, negotiate hard. Also fine, as long as you’re doing it with your eyes open. Needing it is where it goes sideways.

    That’s when you stop negotiating and start hoping nobody notices you’re begging.

    The people on the other side of the table notice. Even the ones who aren’t trying to work you over will feel the shift, and the good ones absolutely will use it. Not because they’re crooked. Because that’s the game, and you just told them you’re not really playing it anymore.

    The fix isn’t complicated, even if it’s not easy. Notice when you’ve crossed the line from “I’d like this” to “I have to have this.” That’s your signal to slow down, not speed up. Ask yourself what you’re actually risking by waiting a day. Usually the honest answer is: not much. The deadline was mostly invented to make you feel exactly what you’re feeling right now.

    Camp built an entire system around this, and it’s worth your time if you’ve never read it. Whether you’re negotiating a purchase, a sale, a raise, or just trying to get your teenager to clean their room. Once you see how much of negotiation is really about who wants it less, you can’t unsee it.

    Grab a copy here

    It’ll change how you walk into every negotiation. And since everything is a negotiation, it may change your life.

    PS- That link goes through Amazon, and I’m an affiliate. Doesn’t cost you a dime more, but if you click through and buy the book, or anything else while you’re there, I get a small commission.

  • Assume the Position (in the Poorhouse)

    Assume the Position (in the Poorhouse)

    Thinking you know what’s in the other guy’s head gets expensive when you’re wrong.

    In the run-up to the 2008 banking crisis, lots of land investors bought future development tracts using bank debt. Which they predictably lost when market appreciation paused and they couldn’t sell their way out of the deals (or refinance them).

    Typically the way it plays out: the bank gets the property back through foreclosure, and then tries to sell it for “what they have in it.”

    The problem is, if it was worth that number, the previous owner would have sold it rather than losing it. Nobody just hands the keys back for fun.

    So the property sits until the bank gets realistic.

    I remember one deal like this in northern Collin County. About 360 acres, if I remember right.

    At the time it was considered “out there.” Not many rooftops, not much heat. And the asking price was still high. It came down a little. And I thought of someone who might be a buyer.

    Then I made the classic mistake.

    I thought, there’s no way he’d be interested at that price.

    So I didn’t call him.

    Didn’t ask.

    Didn’t even give him the chance to tell me no.

    You already know what happened next.

    Next time I checked, ownership had changed. The guy I assumed wouldn’t be interested had bought it.

    By assuming, I cost myself a very healthy commission.

    Now—was I wrong about the price? Maybe, maybe not.

    Doesn’t matter.

    What mattered is I didn’t ask. I didn’t get inside his world. I stayed in mine. I let my assumptions do the thinking for me.

    Jim Camp talks about this in Start With No.

    Don’t assume you know the other side’s situation, pressures, desires, timeline, needs, or reasoning.

    Even if you’re familiar with them.
    Even if you think you’ve seen the pattern before.
    Even if you would feel the same way in their shoes.

    Because you are not in their shoes.

    And you can’t negotiate or sell or advise effectively while standing in your own.

    You have to ask. You have to get curious. You have to go find out what’s real — for them.

    Sometimes that means you hear a quick “no.”

    Sometimes it means you hear something surprising.

    In my case, it would have meant a check.

    I did end up with a good dove hunting spot for a few years, until it got covered up with houses. (It’s not “out there” anymore.) But the lesson was better than the hunting:

    Don’t assume. Ask.

    Get more like this here!

    PS — (here it comes again…)

    I’ve been flogging Start With No and Never Split the Difference all week. I’ll give it a rest after today. (No promises on how long.)

    Maybe you’re tired of hearing it. But if you knew something that would help me and didn’t tell me, would that be right?

    Negotiation touches every part of our lives. Even the boring everyday stuff — where to go for dinner, whether the kids get ready on time, who picks up the dog from the groomer. It’s all negotiation.

    If you get better at it, your life gets easier.

    Sometimes by a little.

    Usually by a lot.

    Get it here:

    Recommended Reading

    (Disclosure: As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. Clicking that link may earn me a small commission, at no extra cost to you.)

  • NFL Superagents Can Skip This Post

    NFL Superagents Can Skip This Post

    The rest of us could stand a little self-improvement

    Yesterday I posted about the ±40 acres in Grayson County I have listed (and am part owner of).

    It’s a great tract for a rural showplace, although it’s not for everyone. Super private, so I shared it with a number of sports agents. It could be perfect for someone who wants to be away, but within an hour or so of the airport.

    Beat them to it — check it out here.

    That’s not what I want to talk about today, though. If you follow sports, you know that a lot of what you read isn’t about the game itself. It’s about contracts, money, and the drama surrounding them.

    The agents I spoke with are on the frontlines of that, negotiating high-dollar deals with billion-dollar owners. It sounds intense, but for them it’s just the job. Players may get nervous, but the agents and teams do this all the time.

    Most of us will never negotiate at that level. But negotiation is everywhere.

    Your salary.

    Working conditions.

    What you pay for a car.

    Which vaccines you take (or don’t).

    Even where to eat dinner or when your kid goes to bed.

    Improve your skills here, and you improve just about everything in your life.

    The problem is, most people see negotiation as either intimidation (bad) or “win-win” compromise that gets you run over by the pros (worse).

    This is why people run from negotiation, sales, and salespeople. Even though it’s where most of the money is.

    If there were a better way, would you still run from it?

    I first read Start With No by Jim Camp almost 10 years ago. It changed everything for me, and I still reread it at least once a year.

    In just a few hours you’ll learn:

    • The most important thing to control in a negotiation (hint: it’s not your opponent).
    • How to make it harder for you to be manipulated.
    • The real factors that actually drive a negotiation.
    • Why “yes” is to be feared and avoided, and “no” is your friend — especially at the beginning.

    Many of the concepts apply to life generally, not just negotiation. Outside of the Bible, I can’t think of another book that has helped me more.

    And the Kindle version is less than twenty bucks right now.

    You can get it here.

    (Disclosure: As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. That means if you buy something — anything — after clicking that link, I may receive a small commission. It doesn’t change your price.)

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