Turns out it’s not a rhetorical question.
Some people think a good comeback is the whole game.
When someone makes an unrealistic proposal or a demand that doesn’t work the first thing most people want to do is explain why. Lay out the reasons. Walk through the math. Win the point.
But winning the point doesn’t do much for you in a negotiation. The other side just digs in, maybe comes up with a competing set of facts and reasons. Worse, they’re no longer thinking about making a deal, they are thinking about not losing. Which isn’t good if you want to make a deal.
Chris Voss has a fix for this that sounds almost too simple to work.
Instead of arguing, you ask how you’re supposed to make it happen. Not sarcastic. Not a setup. An actual question. “How am I supposed to take that to the seller when there are two other offers on the table?” Now he’s not defending his number anymore. He’s trying to solve your problem, which used to be his demand.
Voss calls these calibrated questions. Open-ended, no yes or no available, and they hand your problem to the other person instead of making it a fight. Most people can’t resist answering a question that starts with “how.” Refusing to answer feels rude in a way that refusing to agree never does.
I had a buyer a while back convinced he could get a large reduction, much more than what was realistic. I could’ve argued comps at him all day and gotten nowhere, because in his head the comps were the ones that made his number look right. So instead I asked him how I was supposed to bring that number to a seller who had competing offers. Then I asked how many people were going to want to work with us in the future if we got a reputation for chiseling and retrading every deal.
He thought about it, came up with a more realistic number, and we got the deal done.
Works the other way too. A seller with a too-high price in mind doesn’t need me to lecture him on it. He needs to hear himself try to answer how a buyer’s supposed to make the math work at that price. He’ll usually get there faster than I would’ve gotten him there.
Statements draw a line and dare the other guy to cross it. Anybody can say no to a line. It’s a lot harder to say no to a question you have to actually sit and answer first.
I still slip and argue the number sometimes. Old habit. But the times I remember to just ask, it goes better, and I don’t have to be right in the room to get the outcome I wanted.
This is the third one I’ve pulled from Never Split the Difference, and I’m running out of ways to say the same thing. Buy the book. You’ll use this stuff in a lot more places than a purchase agreement.
PS- That link goes through Amazon, and I’m an affiliate. Doesn’t cost you a dime more, but if you click through and buy the book, or anything else while you’re there, I get a small commission.
